Anne Dutton, Whittlesey, to the Revd William Grant, Wellingborough, c. 1726.

Very dear and honoured Brother,

         I received your welcome Letter, and am glad the Child is better, but sorry to hear of your and your Wife’s Illness. A Mercy it is, that there’s a Life in reserve for us, that’s well worth the Name of it: A Life that will have no Kind, nor Degree of Death attending it. ’Twill be but a little while ere we shall have done with a Body of Sin, and a Body of Affliction too. When once we get to the City our God has prepar’d for us, we shall have no more Sickness, Sorrow, Pain nor Death attending us: For the former Things will be passed away.

         I was thinking a while ago, about my being so soon remov’d from the Place which was to me like Canaan, a Land of Promise; and the Lord’s dealing with Abraham was bought to my Mind, Heb. xi. 9. He sojourn’d in the Land of Promise, as in a strange Country: And Acts vii. 5. He gave him none Inheritance in it, no not so much as to set his Foot on. And that Word was then precious to me, Heb. xi. 16. God is not ashamed to be called their God: For he hath prepared for them a City. I saw, that neither Abraham, nor I, nor any of the Heirs of Promise, shall miss of our Expectations of those great Things which we have apprehended in the Promise of our own great God: Tho’ we may mistake, as to the particular Manner, Time, or Degree of their Accomplishment in this World; yet we shall not miss of our Expectations at last. For He hath prepar’d for us a City: The Privileges of which are so glorious, so lasting, that God himself, as the glorious and eternal God, will not be ashamed of being call’d our God, because he has made such Provision for us, that is every Way answerable to his own glorious Greatness, and the Nearness of his Relation to us.

         I thank you for your Letter, I take it kindly, and look upon it as a Part of Christian Friendship, that you will hold this Kind of Communion, since [108] Providence prevents us of any that is more immediate. I rejoyce that the Lord is still with you in your Work; and crowns your Labours with Success: Which is a Privilege not easily valued. Oh what is it to enjoy God in his House! Blessed are the People is it to enjoy God in his House! Blessed are the People that dwell where his Glory shines!

         As to your Complaints of Carnality, Hardness of Heart, and Ingratitude towards God, and his People; from sad Experience, I must join with you. For surely, in these Respects, I am worse than ever. At Times, I am so burden’d, as if my Heart would break; and sometimes so harden’d, that I can’t pour out my Soul before the Lord, but run away from him, and, like the Prodigal, would fill my Belly with Husks. And such mighty Struggles are in my Soul, that I am at a Loss to judge of my own Experience: And with unutterable Groanings I breathe after Deliverance. I find a little Ease, when I can get to my Father, and pray him to see what ails me. I am glad that I shall not ever be term’d, forsaken; but that the Lord will turn again, and have Compassion. And sometimes I pray him to deliver me again, upon the Bottom of that same Grace which has hitherto sav’d me out of all my Distresses. Oh! I am griev’d that I can love him no more, when I have had so much Love manifested unto me! Surely I am one of the basest, and most ungrateful of any of his Children! I can’t perfectly judge how it is with me: But I think the Strife is between Love, vehement Love, to the Enjoyment of him, as I was wont: and a Desire to love him, and his Glory, above my own Happiness, in that respect, and to submit to his Will when he crosseth mine.

         For the first, it is Love to Christ, indeed; so great, that it seems to overlook this great World, with all its Enjoyments, as unsatisfying Things; and sees no Glory, nor can find any Rest, beneath the Bosom of my glorious Bridegroom. And when [109] this Works, if the Enjoyment of him was to be purchas’d, I would give him a World for it, if the World was mine. And when I have seen that I have nothing to give, and that He needs nothing; in Vehemency of Soul, I have said, ‘then, Lord, give me all freely!’ But tho’ this is Love to Christ, yet ’tis weak Love, childish Love. The Babe cries, if taken from the Breast. I love Communion with my Bridegroom, because of the heavenly Delights that are in it. But I want to love himself, and his Glory, more than the Enjoyment of him. My Love is not yet sublimated enough, nor heighten’d out of Self, as I could wish. I find it a hard Thing to deny spiritual Self, in the Delights of spiritual Sense. And it grieves me that I am such a tough, stubborn Piece, so unfit for my Lord Jesus to make any Thing of. Mr. Rutherford says, “Let my Lord make any Thing of me, so he makes but his own glory out of me; I have enough.” And I have thought so too at Times; but now he comes to prove me, Oh how sadly do I shrink in the Trial! I think upon his Servant Moses, how he loved God’s Glory more than his own Happiness; when the Lord told him, that if he would let him alone, to destroy his People, he would make of him a great Nation, Exod. xxxii. 10. But as if he took no Notice of that, God’s Glory lying nearest his Heart, ‘What then, as if he should say, will become of thy great Name? Wherefore should the Egyptians speak and say, &c. Ver. 12.’ I think also, how it was with Paul, when, that God might be glorified, in the conversion of his Kinsmen, he could even Wish himself accursed from Christ, Rom. ix. 3. And when I see how far short I am of this Perfection, my Soul is humbled within me.

         But yet, when this Frame of Mind gets the Ascendant, to wit, a Desire to love God, and his [110] Glory, above my own Happiness, and to submit to his Will when he crosseth mine: then I find some Sparks of that heavenly Fire, which in them broke forth into such a vehement Flame. There are some Moments, wherein the Lord makes me willing that He should be glorified, whatever becomes of me. Yea, when I have seen but, as it were, the Dawn of his Glory, I have been well pleased; and have thought, ‘that Love to his Glory would hold me, notwithstanding the swift-wing’d Motions of Love to the Enjoyment of him.’ But this is my Misery, I’m so bent to Backsliding! I am glad that the Lord can bend me for himself, Zech. ix. 13. And I see, that if his Hand, don’t hold my Heart in that Bent, I straightway fly back again. I see, that I am like a Bullock, unaccustom’d to the Yoke: But yet there is something in me that is willing to bear it. And the Language of my Soul is, ‘Lord, tame me, yoke me; glorify thyself in, and by me, notwithstanding all the Opposition that is in me!’ Thus, What will ye see in the Shulamite. – As it were the Company of two Armies. Oh pray for me, that the Lord would give me an ingenuous Temper, that so I might give him leave to do what he will with me: And that he would make Luz, a  Bethel.

         I was refreshed by your Letter, and see how the Lord carries on his Work in your Soul in the Midst of Darkness; and encouraged to hope that he would deal so with me. The Lord suffers the Enemies to oppress us, and then strengthens the New-Creature to breathe after Deliverance. And every of its Groans, speaks no less, than the fresh Triumph of its Life over Sin and Death. And every breathing after the Perfection of any Grace, directly tends to the immediate Increase of that Grace. Thus, our God, brings Life out of Death, Joy out of Sorrow, and Light out of Darkenss. Oh how wonderful are his Works! [111]

         I rejoyce that you see a greater Necessity of Holiness than ever. I take it as an Earnest of your Increase in it. It’s a special Mercy to see our own Want; and no small Part of the Spirit’s Work, to convince us of our Need. He usually does so before he supplies us. He first, as the Spirit of Conviction, shews us our Want, and then, as the Spirit of Supplication, he causeth us to seek to God for Relief; when, as the Spirit of Consolation, he designs to supply all our Need out of his Riches in Glory by Christ Jesus.

         As to my Knowledge of divine Truths, I find it is very small: Especially if it be reduced to that which is practical; or to that knowledge which influences the Soul into an answerable Practice. I am entirely of your Mind, “That our Refreshment in Truths, depends upon the Spirit’s Breathing.” Our Comfort depends not, barely, upon the Newness of their Discovery; but upon the Degree of the Spirit’s Breathing. If the Spirit shines upon old-known Truths, we behold ’em in a new Glory: And if he breathes in ’em afresh upon our Souls, we’re fill’d wth new Life immediately. Wishing you may increase with all the Increases of God: I commit you to Israel’s Keeper: And rest

                     Your Sister in Christ,

A.    D.

Text: A.  D. [Anne Dutton]. A Brief Account of the Gracious Dealings of God, with a poor, sinful, unworthy Creature, relating to some particular Experiences of the Lord’s Goodness, in bringing out several little Tracts, to the Furtherance and Joy of Faith. With an Appendix, and a Letter prefix’d on the Lawfulnes of a Woman’s appearing in Print. Parts I, II, and III. London: Printed by J. Hart, in Popping’s Court, Fleet-street; and sold by J. Lewis, in Pater-noster-row, near Cheapside. 1750.  Part II, pp. 107-111.