Anne Andrews, Isleworth, to Mrs. Elizabeth Saffery, Salisbury, [Saturday, 14 November 1795].

My very dear Friend

   This morning presents me with an opportunity of gratifying the feelings of my Mind by a compliance with your kind request:  I sat down to address you in full confidence of your affectionate concern for my welfare, which has been indeed too often manifested to leave room for doubt, and shall therefore lay aside all reserve and endeavor to converse with you as freely as when favor’d with the enjoyment of personal intercourse –

   But now my dear Mrs Saffery I know not where to begin I must not venture back to our parting at S–  the Wound is not half healed & I much question if it be in a fair way however I cannot bear to touch it, so must pass on a little farther to acquaint you with some of the exercises of my Mind during my Journey, which was indeed the most melancholy I every took, tho’ much distinguish’d by providential mercies and I trust not altogether unmark’d by favors of a superior kind.  My Mind was greatly consoled by reflection on the omnipotence of God as enabled to believe that tho’ banish’d from the society of his People I was not shut out from his presence which (as dear Mr S– said as we walk’d to the Coach) is better than life for what then would I have given up my hope of an interest in the favour of a Covenant God? not for ten thousand Worlds – then the language of my Heart was Whom have I in Heaven but thee & there is none upon Earth that I desire besides thee[ii] but this enlargement was soon succeeded by darkness and distraction and towards the close of my Journey began to be exercised with fears & was tempted to distrust the Lord’s faithfulness and compassion; to think that He would leave me to myself and suffer me to dishonor his Name & Cause – and that all past privileges would only enhance my guilt and condemnation however I suspected from what quarter these suggestions came & was determined not to give up my confidence but cast myself upon divine Mercy a prop which hath never yet fail’d those that have trusted it – My past experience has been much of the same nature from day to day except that I have suffer’d at different times extreme depression and anguish of Mind which I was not then the Subject of in so great a degree – My Spirit is sometimes overwhelm’d with terror; at others opprest with grief; the former arising from the dread of those temptations to which I am continually exposed and of others with which I am threaten’d; the latter from the presence of evil and the absence of blessings and privileges once enjoy’d.

   I could say much more about the bitterness of that Cup whh is put into my Hand till I had almost led you to believe there was not a drop of Mercy mix’d with it but I will not indulge this complaining Spirit while there is so much room for thankfulness: in the midst of all my distress there have been Seasons when I think I may say the Word of God has been exceedingly precious and when I have been enabled to cry unto Him who alone is able to help & deliver me  not only this but I must I feel it an unspeakable mercy that I am not permitted to solace myself in those indulgences of which our nature is so fond and those vanities which are continually offer’d to my attention And suppose it were the Lord’s Will that the Remnant of my days should be spent in darkness and conflict and He should still keep my Heart in his fear what reason should I have to repine? would it not rather become me to rejoice, in that his grace was magnified – O my dear Friend all suffering seems light now that is not connected with Sin – my constant Petition is and must ever will be – Keep me from evil that it may not grieve me[iii] –

   I have much to excite my gratitude, as it respects my Fathers conduct at least as to the intention of pleasing me the want of success he cannot help – tis true I have been somewhat inwardly attack’d upon religious subjects particularly one Even.g in a way that almost took from me the power of defence and petrified me with horror  I think I never before heard him express such daring infidelity yet he profess’d at the same time to allow the truth of Revelation  I could not help saying I could hear a profess’d Deist talk with less pain I might have said indignation – I was sensible it would be in vain to contend but as he was speaking of Death & observing the terror that Nature felt at the prospect I took the opportunity to remonstrate on the cruelty of attempting to rob any one of that Hope which was their comfort in Life and confidence in that awful hour of whh he had been speaking – this visibly affected his Mind & after saying he did not wish to do it he presently drop’d the conversation –

   Do remember me with the sincerest affection and respect to dear Mr Saffery tell him I hope he does not forget to pray for me  I would intreat a letter from him if I were not afraid of trespassing on his kindness as I know he can employ his time to better purpose.

   Oh my dear Mrs Saffery tomorrow is Sabbath Day but I cannot go up to the House of God – I hope the Lord will be with you all and cause you to think of his Lovingkindness in the midst of his Temple tis some relief to one at such seasons to think of you and pray for you  I trust with sincerity  I must conclude pray write soon and believe me to be with the tender’st esteem

                     Your very affecte but unworthy Friend

                                             Anne Andrews

I have written to our dear Esther and left it open for your perusal if there is anything respecting her return which you think would be better omitted pray erase it –

Text: Timothy Whelan, gen. ed., Nonconformist Women Writers, 1720-1840 (London: Pickering & Chatto, 2011), vol. 6, pp. 104-05 (annotated version); Saffery/Whitaker Papers, acc. 142, I.A.5.(c.), Angus Library, Regent's Park College, Oxford.  Address: Mrs Saffery. No postmark.