Anne Andrews, Isleworth, to the Rev. John Saffery, Salisbury, [Sunday], 31 January and Monday, 1 February [1796].

Very dear Sir,

   After some deliberation on the propriety of troubling you with a letter, the sense I have of your kindness in complying with my wishes, and the pleasure I feel at [the] thought of conversing with you, tho’ at a distance has overcome every objection –

   Your Letter reach’d me at a time when my Mind wearied with conflict, overwhelm’d with regret, and oppress’d with fear and perplexity, sunk beneath the pressure.   It was indeed a Season of extreme dejection, so much so, that the sight of the wish’d for Pacquet hardly roused me from the lethargic sorrow in wh.h I was sunk – the admonitions & encouragements with which yours presented to me, so suitable not only, to my situation generally, but to recent circumstances affected me with the most sensible pleasure; how sweet and refreshing is the counsel of Christian Friendship to one in my situation an unhappy exile from my Kindred, dwelling among Strangers and Aliens who can neither understand my language, sympathize in my griefs, or participate [in] my joys.  Well might the Psalmest say I had rather be a Doorkeeper in the House of my God than dwell in the Tents of Wickedness.  How earnestly do I now long for the enjoyment of those invaluable Privileges I once posses’d! how should I rejoice to hear the glad tidings of Salvation proclaim’d and with what gladness should I forever turn my back on a miserable & God-forgetting World, “that I might dwell in the House of the Lord all the Days of my Life, to behold the beauty of the Lord & to enquire in his Temple” –  I trust I can make the appeal of David when he says, “Lord I have loved the habitation of thine House and the Place where thine Honour dwelleth” –

   At present it does not appear to be the Lord’s Will to remove me from temptation but rather to permit me to be exercised with it and I would believe it is with a design to glorify himself by enabling me to overcome it – but this pleasing hope is continually interrupted by the most distressing fears sometimes that my experience will prove like that of the stony Ground Hearers & at others, that if preserved from final apostacy, I shall be left to dishonor God, wound his cause, grieve his People, and bring distress on my own Soul.  

   When I can indulge a hope that God is with me for my help, and remember that the Lord, the Creator of all the ends of the Earth, fainteth not, neither is weary I rejoice in sweet expectation of complete deliverance & victory over every enemy – but when I look within & behold a backsliding deceitful Heart, a perverse Will, earthly affections and a depraved Judgment, I begin to despair: you will perhaps say, with reason, while I am looking for a ground of encouragement or confidence in a place where I have no right to expect any – I am doing I perceive what I have often done before – trespassing on your patience but as at present I have but few opportunities of this kind must entreat your indulgence –

   Among the various trials I have met with since my return one I did not so much expect, has proved very painful to me as to its effects on my Mind – Soon after my return home a Gentleman of whom I had frequently heard Mr A– speak was introduced as being one of the present employees of the Mill: he soon discover’d himself to be a very sensible & well-informed Man & in a little farther acquaintance, with all the zeal observable in Persons of that description declared himself a Deist – My Father tho’ professing not to approve altogether his Sentiments, was yet pleased with an opportunity of opposing my views & principles by one whose natural & acquired abilities might give weight to the system he advanced & indeed I think there are few more calculated to undermine the evidences of truth and speciously disseminate error.  Mr A– lost no time making him acquainted with the particulars &c as he esteems it of my sentiments, encouraging him to attack me on this ground, while he refer’d him to me for an answer to his objections against revelation – I had like to have engaged in this contest without counting the cost & indeed had his cavils as is the case with some been taken on trust like the faith of many nominal Xians there would have been no great difficulty:  but I found his to be the conclusions of a proud, carnal reason, after much study and as he supposed impartial investigation, a little reflection convinced me I was far more likely to injure my own Mind by entering into an argument of this kind than to convict my Opponent of his errors and I therefore determined to avoid it and have hitherto succeeded in this respect tho various efforts have been made to draw me into a dispute – I can assure you I have endured no small degree of persecution tho’ in a very polite way – but this is far from being the worst I have suffer’d – alas! I soon found that there was something too congenial in my corrupt nature to the Infidel notions of our new visitant & that as in water face answereth to face so doth the Heart of Man to Man  the positive assertions in an historical point of view, Sophistical reasonings and subtle insinuations whh were made use of while they produced but little effect at the time operated like poison secretly on my Mind & fill’d it with such confusion and darkness, that those powers of retiremt whh before were my chief solace, were now rather anticipated with Dread – I think it is impossible to give an adequate idea of my situation at that period; I thought myself a Wretch indeed & what added to my distress I was at the same time call’d upon to the exercise of self denial & to face opposition in the path of duty while I seem’d to have lost sight of every incentive & according to my own apprehension was left wholly destitute of support – all I could realize was a sort of determination not to forsake my principles or let go that hope of eternal life I have embraced tho’ I was almost tempted to think I had grasp’d a Phantom – What a sad reverse was this to the pleasing confidence I had just before enjoy’d & how convincing a proof, of the little dependance, that is to be placed on frames or feelings:  I was ready to accuse God of dealing hardly with me, in thus leaving me exposed to such a variety of temptations – I stood greatly in need of a pious & judicious Friend, & I really believe the want of such a relief together with the deprivation of my Mind render’d me an easy prey to the devices of the enemy whh were indeed sometimes so many & distressing that they brought to my recollection poor John Bunyan with that suggestion.  Sell Him – Sell Him – From this distressing situation I got some deliverance by the recurring to my Mind of those Words of the Apostle “We preach Christ crucified to the Jews a stumbling block and to the Greeks foolishness, but to them that are called both Jews and Greeks, Christ, the wisdom of God, and the Power of God” –

Monday Feby 1st – I am sat down to conclude this tedious epistle – tho’ I am really ashamed to send it from its unreasonable length but I am induced to trust to your indulgence first from want of time & 2nd from fear that if I were to make another attempt I might fall into the same error –

   The Gentn of whom I have been speaking recommended to my perusal Locke on the Understanding & as I knew He had written in defence of the Xian Religion I accepted his offer of lendg it me & have been perusing it but with a jealous eye, from a suspicion, that tho’ not written with a view to injure the Cause; the Theory there advanced strikes at the very root of the most fundamental Doctrines of the Gospel – I know He that trusteth his own heart is a Fool & have felt my Mind much impress’d with the Apostle’s caution to the Colossians “Beware lest any Man spoil you thro’ Philosophy and vain conceits” &c: –  on conversing with Mrs Ford on this Subject she produced Watts’s Logic whh I found was quite to the purpose & therefore intend reading it by way of discovering what it is in this celebrated author which is incompatible with revealed truth; as I am afraid to depend on my own judgments: I am too well acquainted by sad experience with the decisions of proud, sophistical carnal reason, & I am persuaded that a pretended friend is far more dangerous than an open enemy – I should not have thought of perusing it had I not conjectured that it was capable of affording both entertainment and profit and indeed in some respects it is eminently so –

   I must endeavor to conclude – but not till I have thank’d my valued Friend for his very acceptable present – I had seen the Sermons before, but this did not lessen my pleasure in reading them – they are I think truly excellent and peculiarly suitable to my circumstances –

   Now let me entreat you my dr Sir not to consider my Letter as imposing any obligation on you to answer it, for this would give me pain; but if you should be at any time disposed to think of, and pity your unhappy Friend, and can devote a few Moments to alleviate the rigour of banishment, be assured it will greatly increase the Debt of gratitude I already owe you, and strengthen every tie, by whh I am

                     Your’s with ye truest respect & affection,

                                                                     Anne Andrews

I must not forget to tell you that on mentioning to Mr Andrews something of what had pass’d respecting your calling on me if you shd visit London he express’d a hope that I had assured you of a hearty welcome – which he said he would certainly give you so now I have nothing to do but wish that you may be sent for to supply some Church in London or any where this way – Northampton excepted – as I would rather relinquish the pleasure of an Interview than trust you with those covetous Folks.                                                                      

Text: Timothy Whelan, gen. ed., Nonconformist Women Writers, 1720-1840 (London: Pickering & Chatto, 2011), vol. 6, pp. 114-17 (annotated version); Saffery/Whitaker Papers, acc. 142, I.A.6.(a.), Angus Library, Regent's Park College, Oxford.  Address: Revd Mr Saffery. No postmark. 

Anne invokes “Sell Him – Sell Him,” John Bunyan’s famous phrase from his spiritual autobiography, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, 10th ed. (London: W. Johnston, 1759), p. 69:  ‘But it was neither my Dislike of the Thought, nor yet any Desire and endeavour to resist, it that in the least did shake or abate the Continuation or Force and Strength thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix it self therewith, in such Sort, that I could neither eat my Food, stoop for a Pin, chop a Stick, or cast mine Eye to look on this, or that, but still the Temptation would come, Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; sell Him, sell Him.’ Another reference here is to Isaac Watts's Logic: or, the Right Use of Reason in the Inquiry after Truth. With a Variety of Rules to guard against Error in the Affairs of Religion and Human Life, as well as in the Sciences, a New Edition (London: John Cuthell, 1792).