Maria Grace Andrews, Salisbury, to Mrs. Elizabeth Saffery, Portsmouth [c. June 1797].

Sarum  Friday Night

My dear Mama

   Tho’ I feel myself utterly unworthy of claiming your attention, by an address so tender, & familiar I cannot forbear using it, because ye language is so in unison, with all the tender emotions of my heart – yes I do indeed love you with a respect, & fervor, which corresponds with ye appellation of Child.  Alas I frequently sigh on reflecting yt ye privilege in some respects is merely nominal; yet this is very selfish as I am persuaded were it otherwise the advantage wd be wholly mine.  –

   Repeated intelligence received by you & our dr Anne from time to time, of affairs at S– leaves me nothing to communicate, especially as I believe Papa will write also, I shall therefore confine myself to some of those things wh relate to ye hidden, or at least more unobserved feelings of the Soul, undiscover’d & uninteresting to any but ye enquiring Eye, of friendship.  But perhaps in venturing upon yt ground I shall incite afresh that jealousy, of your Esteem, & love, which has of late proved almost fatal to my peace & which produced a short time since, such an irregularity in my conduct towards you, as I cannot think of without compassion, & sorrow.  Be assured my beloved Mrs Saffery, however incapable I was of telling you ye secret course of my distress when your kind assurances dissipated my fear that ye reserve, ye discontent, which render’d me so justly ye object of your displeasure was not ye effect of caprice, did not arise from the humour of ye moment but from a train of thinking too long indulged; a doubt cruelly cherish’d in my Mind; I will not say yr affection, altogether; no, I hardly dared to dispute the existence of that, while incessantly obliged by acts of kindness, wh forbade my painful conjectures, to extend any farther, than a dread, of having lost yt distinguishing tenderness, & regard, with which (however undeservedly) I once thought myself favor’d.  It was yt indeed I fear’d  it was yt produced yt bitterness, & regret, too discoverable in my appearance.  Shall I my dr Mama tell you why, or rather how, I was led to seem so perversely against the constancy of your attachment.  I will do it in ye very language of my heart at that gloomy period.  “Also said I to myself I have given her my confidence & in consequence of it, have forfeited ye enjoyment of her friendship.  There was indeed something in that part of my experience, with which she is particularly acquainted, scarcely to be reflected on, without disgust.  What am I then to expect? now the sympathy once call’d into exercise is now her hope hourly giving place to contempt for ye sufferings which induced it.  But I will not grieve you by enlarging on those suspicions so imminent to my peace, & injurious to your benevolence I again entreat you to pardon an offence over which I desire to shed the tear of Contrition.  I know that I may plead with you, yt my error arose from the strong, ye well meant, affections of a Mind, dangerously prone to escapes of this Nature but what will yt avail as an excuse before Him to whom I have professedly given all my heart; ye improvident want of moderation in my attachment to creatures!  Oh, how different is tumultuous animation which ye happiest exercise of that occasions us, to ye serene, yet powerful delights which pervades ye Soul, under the influences of holy love!  O my Friend, when these nerves shall cease to vibrate, & this heart to glow with sublunary pain, or pleasure, when the Salvation of Jesus shall engross these immortal Powr’s, if that blest experience shd be ever mine &c I shall love you, not indeed less, but far more blissfully. Oh, that our communion on Earth, was more like what it must be in heaven! if it were, we shd not so sadly learn that truth ye Poet speaks of, when rejecting all confidence in Creatures he says,

“They make our expectation vain,

And disappoint our trust.”

It grows late, I expect Papa from Mr Smiths where he has sup’d every moment have heard no particulars of him yet as to ye intelligence convey’d in your letter – was much disappointed not to ask my dr Mama to write, before her return  I cannot forbear saying that it wd afford me considerable pleasure – reluctantly ye indulgence of a variety of things – you will know where & how to remember me at P–.  Nor can I persuade myself to think, that you are a stranger so far to my feelings, as not to be assured of ye respect, & love, of

                     your affectionately yet very unworthy daughter

                                             M. G  Andrews

Papa return’d just before I had subscribed myself I found he had written therefore shall omit all acc:t of him, except it be yt he is very kind & I believe as happy as he can possibly be without you  – wh indeed is not very –

I do earnestly beg yt you will burn this ye Instant you have perused it.  I do seriously request it of my dr Mama.

Text: Timothy Whelan, gen. ed., Nonconformist Women Writers, 1720-1840 (London: Pickering & Chatto, 2011), vol. 6, pp. 139-41 (annotated version); Saffery/Whitaker Papers, acc. 142, I.A.11.(e.), Angus Library, Regent's Park College, Oxford. Address: Mrs Saffery | Friday night. No postmark.