Harriet Frances Ryland, London, to MGS, Salisbury, [Wednesday], 27 May 1807.

Savage Gardens No 3

May 27th 1807

   I seize the first moment that I find myself alone to write to my dear Mrs Saffery a few lines in which I may express the feelings of my Heart, without danger of misconstruction & jealousy, in short without their being expunged by her Hand before whose Eye they must appear were she at my Side.

   Let me ask you in the first place why my two letters (written I confess with cold formality & (apparently) constrained Civility, because written under her Inspection,) why I ask have you not replyed to these epistles? Surely you have not so soon forgotten me – surely you still retain some regard for her whom you once so highly delighted by your friendship – for her who flattered herself she possessed some portion of yr esteem! Sometimes I think my letters never reached you.  Indeed I perplex myself with an hundred Ideas as to the reason of your Silence – & at length find no satisfaction & sink into a hopeless incertitude. To this letter however I have to entreat that you will not reply – (Strange Request!) – It would involve me in much perplexity & uneasiness – as I could not receive it without the knowledge of her, from whom my present writing will be kept a Secret.—I shall beg my dear father to write to you requesting you would send my Bill – which he has long expected, & then with that you might address me a few lines, whereby my present companions will see that I possess the esteem of some one Creature – & my heart would receive them with much grateful warmth of affectionate remembrance!

   I have much to relate [to] you  much to ask of you – much to entreat at your Hands – How shall I collect my wandering thoughts – How shall I, reduced as I am by a serious indisposition, hold & guide my pen to commit those thoughts to hopes – Oh! excuse the Inadequacy, the Intelligibility that will, that must run thro this Scrawl – & believe, that however I may by such a letter insult your understanding, & perplex your Ideas – Oh believe that unfeignedly I love you – that heartily I esteem you! I arrived home I trust, not depending on my own Strength but relying on an almighty arm that I shd be enabled to combat successfully the difficulties of a Situation that were not new to me, & which I shd have shrunk from encountering altogether had I not felt perswaded that it was my duty to relinquish my own ease, my own private Comfort – to the will or even the whim of the author of our Being – & the only pleasure I have known my ten weeks here – has arisen from the consciousness of the rectitude of my conduct, & the uprightness of my Intentions – Yet I have I humbly hope known one more which I trust I shall never in this World lose – I mean a trust & dependence on God that as he had led me to see clearly the path of duty, so he will not abandon but enable me to act in conformity to his will in all things – God knows my Heart – I [too] know something of its waywardness – I know it but in part – Oh! pray for me that it may be renewed wholly. Oh! pray for me that I seek & find Christ a Saviour indeed – & then whatever my privations here how great & severe my sufferings I shall have exceeding cause of joy! –

   I have been & still am very ill – I was seized about four weeks since with a weakness & general debility of wh. however I did not complain – knowing that I shd not receive any pity or commiseration – (I wished myself at Salisbury) in a few days however my legs became exceedingly swelled & inflamed attended with most violent pain. My father shocked at so unexpected an appearance sent for an Apothecary who is a clever man  he declared it a Surgical Case – gave it some queer name wh. I forget – & recommended calling in Mr Cline – he was sent for & after enduring much sad suffering – & taking much nausous medicine the swelling & inflammation abated – the pain to a great degree continues even to this Hour in my Ancles – I am wholly unable to walk firmly – if strong in other respects – inability on my partial amendment – I was seized with spasms in my Stomach & an inflammation on my lungs with a Cough -- & for the last week I have kept my Bed in great measure – & my Room entirely – & have undergone all the routine of Bleeding, Blistering, & physicing – & am now so weak as to be incapable of removing from the Bed to the Chair without assistance – the pain in my Chest continues – & my Cough – & tomorrow I again apply a Blister – My fever has run extremely high – & tho in a great degree abated, constantly returns about 4 o’clock in the afternoon after a shivering fit – & as constantly leaves me with a profuse perspiration about 10 – or 11 –

   My Sufferings have been & are still great – you would surely expect that they have call’d forth some sparks of maternal affection – Some of sisterly regard but no – Yesterday Morning they set off (taking my Father with them) on a party of pleasure to Richmond – from whence they do not return till Saturday – I make no complaint – I cannot – You would not have done so! – The Servants pity me & treat me kindly – But I have no friend to turn my Pillow for me – None to wipe away my tears & speak comfort to my Heart. Oh! pray for me – that this cruel abandonment may send me to a Saviour – & that as this visitation is from God – it may be overruled by him for my great good – ’tis very hard I feel it greatly – the more so – when I compare it with your kindess & tenderness! – I have strange forboding that this Illness will never leave me entirely – but that I shall either sooner or later be called to leave it – Oh! may I be prepared for such an event – surely it is – it must be desirable! My strength almost fails me but I will proceed –

   Should my debility (if I recover from the more serious < > of my Indisposition) continue shd I remain feeble in Body & depress’d in mind – shd I feel that languor which it is impossible to shake off – & laboring under wh. I shall be wholly unequal to the task of bearing up under all the unkindness all the nameless & innumerable cruelties wh. I shall have to meet with – in such a case it will be impossible for me to remain here – I must be remov’d where at least I may have a chance of recovering – or of suffering in Peace – & with those alleviations wh. kindness can in so great a degree procure me – if then such an event shd take place, I entreat of you, I conjure you, by all the regard wh. you have professed for me, by all the kindness you shewed by all your Hopes for my recovery from Sickness – by all your wishes for my Happiness in this world – & in another – do not refuse to receive me – Oh! consider into what hands I may fall – Oh! take me in such a Case & make me by your precept by your example by the influence of your prayers fit to live or fit to die! – and may the God whom you serve & whom I pray to save aright – bless you & your’s everlastingly –

   Beg Mr S to accept of kind remembrances – ask him to pray for me remember me at your family altar – there is none here – I greatly miss those seasons of prayer – & repent that I valued them no more – shd I ever enjoy them again I shall praise them more! – perhaps this affliction which I have thought so severe (my Illness I mean) may be quite necessary – perhaps it may lead me back to you – then I shall rejoice! – Oh! Mrs Saffery if ever I am saved from sin – saved & brought to Heaven – my first religious principles I received while under your roof – & my Mind first led to think of Religion as a personal thing under that sermon of Mr S– on the Sin against the Holy Ghost – I have sometimes dreaded lest I shall come under the condemnation – for surely I sinned agst the light in my Understanding – Oh pray for me that I may have faith in my heart – My paper is full – My strength is gone adieu – remember me in love – Shd my father ask you to take me, Oh! receive me, take no notice of this letter to him or in your letter to me  I shd like a few ines when you send my Bill wh. he shall write for when he comes back – Pray for me & believe me unfeignedly yours in great affection

                                                         H F Ryland                                                

My love to Mason & Mrs Long & your dear Sister – Kiss the Children for me

I had forgotten almost to tell you that my father has heard from our dear Richard – he is on board a Man of War as a common Sailor he went thus directly he left this House – that is he went down directly to Gosport & embarked there – Unkindnesses of various sorts done him hence – he laments his fate – may he seek to God for comfort – My Father is very miserable about him – I am not less so – take no notice of this intelligence adieu once more.

Text: Timothy Whelan, gen. ed., Nonconformist Women Writers, 1720-1840 (London: Pickering & Chatto, 2011), vol. 6, pp. 228-31 (annotated version); Saffery/Whitaker Papers, acc. 142, II.D.5.b.(3.), Angus Library. Address: Mrs Saffery | Castle Street | Salisbury | Wilts.  Postmark: 28 March 1807. Richard Henry Ryland was only seventeen, but he would soon begin a career in the navy nevertheless. He appears in several letters below.