Benjamin Flower at Cambridge to Eliza Gould at Dodbrook, Tuesday, 5 November 1799.

                                                     Cambridge Nov 5. 1799.

   Your Letter My Dearest Eliza which I received, and opened with such anxiety, this morning, has filled me with such various sensations of surprise, indign­at­ion and grief, that I know not how to express myself, what to advise, or to what quarter to turn myself.  Heaven indeed is my only refuge!

   I need not say how averse I was on several accounts to your Devonshire Journey, my Brother Richard, and Miss Jennings likewise thought it imprudent, but your mind I knew to be so fully bent on a visit to your parents, that I told my brother I could not say a word to controul your inclinations.   Your apothecary, the blundering Saumerez, likewise advised you to follow your own plan.  Your Bristol physician was too of the same opinion.  We have nothing therefore to reflect on respecting that part of the subject.

   When in your short note from Tiverton you informed me you were “quite well,” it was natural for me to suppose you were free from Fever as well as from your other complaint.  You not writing for two days, after you promised to write me the next, somewhat alarmed me: the secret is now out: and indeed if I could possibly allow myself to apply the word blame, to you, I should be inclined to do it on the present occasion.  How could you, my Eliza, suffer yourself to be insulted by a brute in human shape, under the name of a Relation.  When you were in a Town you wished to visit—when you had so many friends near you who wished to see you—when you recollected your state of health, why did you not leave the room, pluck up a proper spirit and refuse to converse another word with the wretch who could so treat you?  You see or rather feel the consequences of the fatal conversation—thrown into a screen—shut up, an invalid, from your friends and these two days which should have been directed to friendship, and in which your health should have been improved, worse than squandered away.  Was there no one in the room who had common sense and common resolution enough to interfere.  This is really so shocking an incident in your Journey, that I know not how sufficiently to express my indignation.  If you will find me the direction of your brutal relative I will write her such a letter as will make her feel if she has any feeling.  It really ought to be done to prevent her abusing anyone else as she has you.

   Ching’s medicine which you are taking has the recommendation of Innocence, or else I do not by his various advertisements see any thing in them suitable to your case.  Query—would it not have been best if you had on your arrival at Dodbrook written to Mr Holman he who appeared so well to understand your case.  Would it not be best to write to him now?  A letter would reach him the day after it was written.  If at all necessary he should see you.  Send for him—mind no expence.  I dread your getting into any new medical hands. 

   Next to myself your Letter affected Miss Jennings.  She hopes you will soon recover strength enough to set out on your journey home which she recommends as soon as possible, for she is sure you will not be fit to travel, in the depth of the winter.   She again expresses her surprise & regret that you should have been suffered to take so long a Journey so late in the Year.  Miss Gurney, since your departure expressed her doubts on the subject.   But this is all over!  I suppose you will return by the same way you came; as you can take such short and easy stages—Exeter—Tiverton—Wellington—& Bath, and then the two day Coach.  But I hardly know what I write, or what to advise.  As you will I suppose consult somebody, (pray do not take medicines without so doing)—will not Mr Holman be the proper person.  I hope your anxiety of mind occasioned by the accursed Tiverton abuse is done away.  Indeed your letter received on Sunday last, and some part of that received to day, give me reason to hope your mind is in that state as to render you a subject of envy.

   I do with tears, and by our warmest mutual affection, entreat a line every day —do not mind answering my letters or anything but your health, if you can at intervals fill a sheet without fatiguing yourself I shall rejoice—but till you get rid of your fever, and encrease in strength, do not have my letters come in without one from you.  I had rather at all times know the worst than be kept an hour in suspence.

   I am indeed most firmly convinced that I ought not to repine at any of the dispensations of heaven, that to wish things were otherwise than they are for to complain of any trial is unbecoming if not impious.   But indeed I feel at the present moment however easy it may to be to use the language of resignation, how very difficult is the practise.  Pray to God, my Dearest Life, that my agitated bosom may be calmed and that those conditions which are adequate to support the mind in distress the deepest may be imparted to me.

   I am somewhat relieved since I began this letter.  I will hope the best & prepare for the worst.  If Providence should restore unto you my arms, for you will never to Eternity, be out of my heart, how will that heart be bound with Gratitude!  But if he was otherwise determined—If after having so rich a cup presented, I should not be permitted to taste it, but it should be dashed from my lips—If I am not to enjoy you in this world—I have only one request of heaven.  That as our souls are united—the same disorder which transmits you to the regions of immortal happiness may very speedily reach me, that I may soon, very soon follow you as I am sure I shall never know happiness till I join you never to part more.

   Adieu—Adieu

                     Yr distressed but devoted

                                 B Flower

When I reflect on that very imprudent visit of yours at Sessions house I have need to repeat—Beware of fresh Cold!  If you have no better weather than we have I hope you will not attempt to go out.

P.S. I am afraid my Love this letter will disturb you, which it must not.  I will write you to morrow, hear from you or not—I feel more composed than when I began—I will hope in God, for I shall not yet praise him.

Text: Timothy Whelan, ed., Politics, Religion, and Romance: The Letters of Benjamin Flower and Eliza Gould, 1794-1808 (Aberystwyth: National Library of Wales, 2008), pp. 179-81.

Eliza’s brother, Thomas, had been living in Tiverton with his aunt, Mrs. Hayne, in whose house Eliza stayed during her visit.  The relation Flower mentions in the above letter is most likely Mary, the wife of Joseph Gould; they joined the Baptist congregation at Tiverton on 4 May 1788, the same church Mrs. Hayne attended.  They were still listed as members on 1 January 1802 (see Tiverton).  This is probably the same Joseph Gould, who, along with Eliza’s father, subscribed to Dunsford’s Historical Memoirs in 1790.