Eliza Gould at Wellington to Benjamin Flower at Cambridge, Saturday, 30 Nov­ember 1799.

                                               November 30th 1799

Wellington Saturday night

My dear dear Love

   I feel indeed I do in the severest degree the agitation my letters have occas­ioned to your mind—I feel on the subject more than I can now express I was too precipitate in my remarks—I have made you uncomfortable—I have made myself uncomfortable—that tho I cannot write a long letter you will give me credit for sincerity when I assure you that I never can experience happiness whilst you are uneasy—but to morrow my dear Love I will write you again.

   Now we shall soon meet—the pleasing anticipation raises my spirits & almost for the moment forget that I am an invalid though now I hope more from fatigue than any other cause.  I came hither this morning from Exeter—had no sleep last night—went to bed at eleven without being able to get any refreshment—at the hotel I only wishd for a bason of water gruel which it seems they were too busy to make for a coach passenger—ordered my bed to be warmed & waited till I was cold but no body came to me & when on getting into bed I found the sheets more than damp (for they were absolutely wet).  I took them out & lay down between the blankets—the house was too full to let me have a room with a fire in it—this morning they called me at three—& after promising me a place in the Mail went off without me, pretending that they could not take my baggage—the truth was the horses were tired & they did not wish to take me—& in consequence at 4 oclock this morning wet as it was I had to seek for a place at the London Inn & was favored with one in the Bath coach to Wellington.  We could not procure any Breakfast till we came to Collumpton were I found myself exceedingly faint & much tired when I arrived at Wellington where I went to bed immediately but was too restless & too much fatigued to sleep till six oclock this evening—it is now nine.  I am just got up after 3 hours sleep which has greatly refreshed me—to morrow I shall see Mr Holman—& will then write you more I hope to your satisfaction, & my own.  I shall be anxious very anxious till we meet.  I have much to say to you & to morrow I hope I shall be able to write a long letter—at the present moment I feel myself unfit for everything—that I have borne so much fatigue must fully prove to you my dearest Love that I am much better.  I apologize for a scrawl that I fear you will be as little able to read as I am to write.  I shall go to Bed again immediately—hurt as I have been that you have by any remarks of mine been made uncomfortable I will hope that you have made those allowances for my feelings & my infirmities the extent of your affection & the allowances it has made for me in my present weak state—but I must finish my scrawl—I scarcely now know or what I am writing.   I meant to have said much to make your mind comfortable but I fear I have not distilled common sense—I am too much tired to think with precision enough to connect a sentence—or to guide a pen you will account for all my incoherence from what I have said & believe me with the most fervent affection

                                 your unalterable & faithful

                                             Eliza

Text: Timothy Whelan, ed., Politics, Religion, and Romance: The Letters of Benjamin Flower and Eliza Gould, 1794-1808 (Aberystwyth: National Library of Wales, 2008), pp. 210-11.